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i am part of the facebook world and what i have learned is:
that it makes me feel like i did in high school…i was never in the “popular” crowd or really any “clicks” for that matter. i had few to no friends. i was needy, insecure, and “weird.” i hated high school but it was the one place i could go and just be. as i got older and started healing, i realized i simply was trying to survive my childhood. but still i joined facebook and have reconnected with all these “friends” but can one have a meaningful friendship via facebook. because i still feel like the outsider looking in. that even here i do not belong. just like high school. it makes me ask what is so wrong with me? am i not someone you want to be friends with. am i that bad of a friend. so i have learned that facebook is just like high school all over again. doesn’t mean i will leave facebook, but maybe it means i should walk away from the computer and go outside into the world. maybe…
i made a promise to myself that i would blog more. . . even if i am the only one who sees my words. blogging has become the new way to keep a journal of our lives. to better help me i gave each day a theme. . . and today’s theme is monday musings, where i share a slice of my life. . . my journey.
yesterday, i sat on the bathtub ledge of my in-laws hall bathroom crying. . .
i kept thinking i could kill myself in here and no one would know.
as a survivor lies become truth. . . while real truth evades us.
it had not been a bad day, but still as the day drew to an end. . . i found myself weeping alone in a house that is not mine. alone while my husband’s family was in the other room.
i could not bring myself to go out there and show them my tears. . . to ask for comfort. . . because i feel as if they don’t get me.
lies become truth.
deep down i hope his family loves me for me. . . but in my sadness i do not know how to reach out and ask for love. . .
because all i know to do is smile and act like everything is okay. . .
